cause saying “its love” doesnt do it justice.
Dear Noel Mandal,
I’ve been writing this letter for a long time now, but i’ve finally decided to put it up and type it. 1) because i lost a couple papers and random things that i wanted to put in this letter. 2) im tired of writing these things on random slips of paper. So here goes, and i hope you like it.
entry one.
”I sat with Noel this morning on the way to SDSU. I almost died. i thought he was going to hold my hand. A part of me wanted him to, but another part of me didnt. I dont want it to be like how it was before. We always have bad timing and it never works out the way i want it to be. But i missed him a lot. Being with him all summer is going to be weird, but maybe we’ll get close again.. like writing those emails and talking to him on the phone. Noel has always been there for me when i need him. bestfriends again? we’ll see. “
before, being your bestfriend was merely a name that i could call you to tell the world that you were a close friend. now, that word means so much to me. having you as my bestfriend gives me an assurance that i can not only trust you with my heart, but with my life. there is no one that knows me like you do, and for that.. i love you.
entry two. “im scared to think that im falling for him again. he seems to really like paulene. id tell him, but he’s all excited about her and i like seeing him happy. but i havent felt like this in awhile.. and i guess i kinda like it. i was listening to the song ‘Endlessly’ today, and it hella brought back memories.
Do you know I exist, just to promise you this,
Endlessly to be true to you,
And if you answer my prayer,
I cross my heart and I’d swear
Endlessly to be true to you,
And if you’d only see,
How beautiful you and I would be, endlessly.
Ohh, oh yeah.
I remember when you fell in love,
I could not believe..
That it was not with me
I sent a secret prayer up above,
And put my heart away.
So that you could be free.
And I know that right now you’re broken in two,
But did you know my heart’s been broken since that day I met you.”
to this day, i still get that feeling everytime i see you. it may not be butterflies, but i think its better than that. its that tingly shock i get everytime you hold my hand, and the way my tummy starts doing backflips everytime your hands slide around my waist. i was always scared of taking the risk of falling for you all over again. but i knew the consequences, and its all been worth it. you’ve taught me that in order to get other people to love me, i must love and care about myself. i’ve learned that you’re the only one in my life that keeps me happy, and i love that. i would never push you away from my life, because i dont think i can take seeing you walk away from me.
entry three. “it was the fact that i had to call noel to give him his wake up calls, even if i knew he was going to go back to sleep like i did. “
i loved talking to you at night until you fell asleep, and waking you up in the morning.. and then again later for breakfast. i loved always poking you awake in mr. lou’s class and then doing my work because i knew you were going to ask to copy me. i loved having you in my life, whether it was all summer, seeing you at lunch and ap stats.. or just talking to you now during my mentorship and at night when i cant go to sleep. you are the main reason why i wake up in the morning and why i have a reason to go to bed at night.
entry four. “noel asked me out today. well actually he asked me to go steady. we were in coronado because we couldnt go to december nights and we wanted an adventure. we ended up in a parking lot that led to the bay. we played around a bit, took pictures, and then he asked me. and i think my wish finally came true.”
entry five. “Noel makes me happy, its crazy. everyday i spend with him is a constant reminder of how much i love having him as a boyfriend. from all his surprises that i hate and love at the same time, to just sitting down somewhere and holding his hand. he’s amazing. he’s everything ive wanted and more. i used to be all about guys and their talents, but with noel.. ive learned that the real talent that makes me go “weak”, is someone who can love me more than i love them.. and make me smile on the inside without doing anything. im falling hard, and i hope i never hit the ground.”
being your girlfriend has been everything ive wanted, needed, dreamed, and more.
you are finally 18, and responsible to make your own decisions - and get in trouble for them. but i am so proud of everything you’ve done and everything you’ve gone through. i am blessed and lucky to have been part of your 5/18 years of living, and i cant wait to be a part of more. you have not only been my friend, my lover, my bestfriend, my enemy (Sike), but you’ve been my backbone and my “boostie” when i needed to get back up. you’ve taken care of me even when i didnt ask, and you’ve proven that there can be a relationship worth waiting for.
noel mandal, from the bottom of my heart.. i love you. theres no one that keeps me smiling like you do. you’ve got me falling for you everytime you hug me, and it feels like im a little kid again.
entry six. ” i think about him 42/8. thats not even the right hours and days but i wish it was so i could think about him longer.”
i honestly cant get you out of my mind. & i know with you, it may be different.. because you have a million things to think and worry about, especially gertrude.. but theres no boy, excuse me, MAN (; who i want to be mine.. other than you. “on the last day of the world, theres no one id rather be with.” and its true, but it doesnt even need to be the last day of the world. i want you every single day of my life- morning, noon, and night. i know things are hard and there are times when you dont know what you’re doing or what will happen, but just have faith. God will never give you something that you cant handle. i am proud of everything you are, what you were, and what you will be in the future.
entry seven. “because for me, its always been you, always.”
from the start, til the end. “forever and ever”. “to infinity and beyond.” Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. But there’s also the chance that the person you can count on for a lifetime, the person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself, is the same person who’s been standing beside you all along.
& there comes a point in your life where you just love someone. Not because they’re good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever. It doesn’t mean you won’t hurt each other. It just means you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it.
& ive tried to think of the sweetest words i could say to you.. something different and something real. but i guess there could never be any words sweeter than saying “i love you.” because i do. with all my heart. and for the rest of my life.. you are all i need.
